rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
