Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
