U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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