After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
