and you said cock pushups were impossible
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
