theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
