My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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