Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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