thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
