yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
