The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
