Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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