There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
