If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize