It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
