My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
