You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
