What did we do last night that was yellow?
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
