1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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