God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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