VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Randomize
