I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
