just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
