woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
