I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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