Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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