my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
