I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
