I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Sorry my hands just texted you
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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