someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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