very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
