We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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