he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
