so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
