he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
