My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
