i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
