she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
The air was thick with penises
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Randomize
