gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Randomize
