dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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