I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
