I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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