I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
