your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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