so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
