I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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