I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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