i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
