My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
