The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
